Why is my life not good enough
Why is my life not good enough?
Puberty is a time of many worries. For some, it may be three years ago and for others five years. Mine came when I was in junior year of middle school - and my biggest question was: “Does God exist?” Until this day, I clearly remember how this thought came to me.
I was born a Christian. My mother’s great grandmother’s name was 김말이아
(金馬二兒, Maria Kim) and her brother’s name was 김빈립(金彬立, Phillip Kim) - this means they were Christian from the very beginning when Christianity was introduced to Korea.
As long as I can remember, my Sunday mornings were always reserved for church. As it was a very small church, I was the only girl of my age. When the older boys played soccer, I read books and chatted with the elderly ladies, making me the superstar of the church. For a while, I loved all this attention.
The problem started when puberty came. While my friends went to academies or played during the weekends, I had to go to church. To make things worse, my church, which my grandparents went to, was very far away. It was tiring. The cafeteria food was soggy, and the repeated worships were boring. The times that I spent in the church felt wasteful, and the thought that others were spending this time to live productively angered me. Also, whenever I would miss out on the weekend, endless questions would bombard me - “What did you do last week?”, “Are you doing well in school?”. These questions added weight to my guilt and made me avoid church even more.
At the same time, the resentment toward my life started to engulf me. “How can God, who’s promised to love me, make these bad things happen? If he’s making these horrible events happen, isn’t he also bad? Why do I need to believe in such deity?”
So, I decided not to believe in God. And on Friday, I declared to my parents that I no longer believe in God and thus will not go to church.
The result was uncalled for. My mother cried, and my dad said, from now on, I can not go to school.
My dad’s logic was:
1. As a member of the family. Thus, I have to participate in family activities.
2. I do not need to believe in God; however, I need to learn what the Bible teaches about human relationships. The Bible is a database of human history that has been gathered for thousands of years and is the best tool to teach you about the world and its reality.
3. But, as you can’t do this on your own, you need to go to church every week.
After hearing this, I went through 3 different depth of thoughts. First, I thought being a member of the family cannot justify the violation of my freedom of religion. Second, I hated the way my dad treated me. He treated me like an ignorant and hopeless child. Third, I felt angry at my dad, who stopped me from going to school just because I said I didn’t want to go to church.
So I screamed at my dad that I just wouldn’t go to school. Dad became angrier, and mom cried even more. I stayed the Saturday locked in my room. I skipped the academy and, as I didn’t have a phone, I didn’t talk to anyone. Also, as a sign of my anger, I refused to eat any meals.
Dad, having come to terms with me, said I needed to transcribe the Bible both in Korean and English every morning. I, wanting very much to go to school, did what he asked, taking 2 hours to write the day’s worth. This peculiar phenomenon continued until high school.
This is what happened in KMLA, my beloved high school.
I didn’t go home in 10th grade. Whenever I went back, I would feel the pressure to go to church. So, I spent the year like this and went home about 2 or 3 times during that time. However, after the first music festival, my life spiraled into misery. This is a topic that deserves its own narrations, so I’ll save that for later.
But, you know what? When you’re at your worst, driven into the very end of a cliff, you’ll find something to rely on. It wasn’t anyone in particular. I couldn’t trust anyone, felt guilty towards everyone, but at the same time, I was angry at everything. Lacking academics, health, and people, I turned to God. When I told my friend Yunyi about this, she jokingly suggested, “This is when you pray” and took me to the daily Christian praying session. I followed her thinking that being immersed in people I didn’t know would be better.
At the session, I told my story. There is someone I didn’t like and made me angry. But there was a part of me that couldn’t dislike him. Why was I like this? I was the problem. I wanted to die. I wanted God to save me, but I was scared that he wouldn’t. Was I to live the rest of my life like this?
To my story, Lee Jae-sang replied, “Many Christians, hearing the love-your-enemy story, feel like they shouldn’t dislike people - they’re obsessed with loving and forgiving. But, I can't live like that here. Wouldn’t God excuse your hatred at least once?”
Then 한서희 said, “I look at it a bit differently. We call God our Holy Father. What father would tell a stabbed daughter to firstly take care of whoever that stabbed her? I believe God is the same.”
I cried. It was words from a stranger. And in that day’s prayer, there were these lines.
“Lord, life at KMLA is tiring, and it tempts us to hate each other. However, even if I get scarred and hurt, let you plan to improve my life. Let me be your child who grows through these hardships.”
And from that day on, miraculously, things started to get better.
If there is such a thing as an enlightening moment, and if the God exits, this was the day I met God. If I hadn’t been there with these people, I wouldn’t be where I am now. The memory of this day holds dear to me still this day. And I decided to thank God, who gave me this fate.
No matter how much we plan, carve up, or polish our lives to make it look beautiful, it may be out of proportion in the frontal view. Yet, from a completely different perspective, it might be fine or even beautiful.
Even if my life is broken or flawed, I hope my imperfection to be part of my beauty, especially in God’s eyes. This is the religion I hope, wish, and believe.
Does God exist? That’s up to the eyes of the view holder, I shall say. (1,288)
Puberty is a time of many worries. For some, it may be three years ago and for others five years. Mine came when I was in junior year of middle school - and my biggest question was: “Does God exist?” Until this day, I clearly remember how this thought came to me.
I was born a Christian. My mother’s great grandmother’s name was 김말이아
(金馬二兒, Maria Kim) and her brother’s name was 김빈립(金彬立, Phillip Kim) - this means they were Christian from the very beginning when Christianity was introduced to Korea.
As long as I can remember, my Sunday mornings were always reserved for church. As it was a very small church, I was the only girl of my age. When the older boys played soccer, I read books and chatted with the elderly ladies, making me the superstar of the church. For a while, I loved all this attention.
The problem started when puberty came. While my friends went to academies or played during the weekends, I had to go to church. To make things worse, my church, which my grandparents went to, was very far away. It was tiring. The cafeteria food was soggy, and the repeated worships were boring. The times that I spent in the church felt wasteful, and the thought that others were spending this time to live productively angered me. Also, whenever I would miss out on the weekend, endless questions would bombard me - “What did you do last week?”, “Are you doing well in school?”. These questions added weight to my guilt and made me avoid church even more.
At the same time, the resentment toward my life started to engulf me. “How can God, who’s promised to love me, make these bad things happen? If he’s making these horrible events happen, isn’t he also bad? Why do I need to believe in such deity?”
So, I decided not to believe in God. And on Friday, I declared to my parents that I no longer believe in God and thus will not go to church.
The result was uncalled for. My mother cried, and my dad said, from now on, I can not go to school.
My dad’s logic was:
1. As a member of the family. Thus, I have to participate in family activities.
2. I do not need to believe in God; however, I need to learn what the Bible teaches about human relationships. The Bible is a database of human history that has been gathered for thousands of years and is the best tool to teach you about the world and its reality.
3. But, as you can’t do this on your own, you need to go to church every week.
After hearing this, I went through 3 different depth of thoughts. First, I thought being a member of the family cannot justify the violation of my freedom of religion. Second, I hated the way my dad treated me. He treated me like an ignorant and hopeless child. Third, I felt angry at my dad, who stopped me from going to school just because I said I didn’t want to go to church.
So I screamed at my dad that I just wouldn’t go to school. Dad became angrier, and mom cried even more. I stayed the Saturday locked in my room. I skipped the academy and, as I didn’t have a phone, I didn’t talk to anyone. Also, as a sign of my anger, I refused to eat any meals.
Dad, having come to terms with me, said I needed to transcribe the Bible both in Korean and English every morning. I, wanting very much to go to school, did what he asked, taking 2 hours to write the day’s worth. This peculiar phenomenon continued until high school.
This is what happened in KMLA, my beloved high school.
I didn’t go home in 10th grade. Whenever I went back, I would feel the pressure to go to church. So, I spent the year like this and went home about 2 or 3 times during that time. However, after the first music festival, my life spiraled into misery. This is a topic that deserves its own narrations, so I’ll save that for later.
But, you know what? When you’re at your worst, driven into the very end of a cliff, you’ll find something to rely on. It wasn’t anyone in particular. I couldn’t trust anyone, felt guilty towards everyone, but at the same time, I was angry at everything. Lacking academics, health, and people, I turned to God. When I told my friend Yunyi about this, she jokingly suggested, “This is when you pray” and took me to the daily Christian praying session. I followed her thinking that being immersed in people I didn’t know would be better.
At the session, I told my story. There is someone I didn’t like and made me angry. But there was a part of me that couldn’t dislike him. Why was I like this? I was the problem. I wanted to die. I wanted God to save me, but I was scared that he wouldn’t. Was I to live the rest of my life like this?
To my story, Lee Jae-sang replied, “Many Christians, hearing the love-your-enemy story, feel like they shouldn’t dislike people - they’re obsessed with loving and forgiving. But, I can't live like that here. Wouldn’t God excuse your hatred at least once?”
Then 한서희 said, “I look at it a bit differently. We call God our Holy Father. What father would tell a stabbed daughter to firstly take care of whoever that stabbed her? I believe God is the same.”
I cried. It was words from a stranger. And in that day’s prayer, there were these lines.
“Lord, life at KMLA is tiring, and it tempts us to hate each other. However, even if I get scarred and hurt, let you plan to improve my life. Let me be your child who grows through these hardships.”
And from that day on, miraculously, things started to get better.
If there is such a thing as an enlightening moment, and if the God exits, this was the day I met God. If I hadn’t been there with these people, I wouldn’t be where I am now. The memory of this day holds dear to me still this day. And I decided to thank God, who gave me this fate.
Now let’s go back to Michelangelo’s Pietà. According to my knowledge, The masterpiece comes with a major flaw, which Michelangelo, perhaps wryly, insisted was a manifestation of grace. While the Jesus looks his age (typically appears to be a dead man in his mid-30s), you needn’t look all that closely at the Madonna to see a teenage mother. Thus, there is another significant flaw. If the dead figure of Jesus were to stand erect, he would be about six feet tall. If his Mother Mary, who holds him in her lap, stood up, she would be more than twice that height. Overall the artwork is slightly distorted. However, when you look down from the sky, it looks perfect. And the sky? It is where God is.
No matter how much we plan, carve up, or polish our lives to make it look beautiful, it may be out of proportion in the frontal view. Yet, from a completely different perspective, it might be fine or even beautiful.
Even if my life is broken or flawed, I hope my imperfection to be part of my beauty, especially in God’s eyes. This is the religion I hope, wish, and believe.
Does God exist? That’s up to the eyes of the view holder, I shall say. (1,288)
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